http://thegloss.com/odds-and-ends/im-appalled-that-this-thong-exists/

What. The. Hell.

I am also appalled that this thong exists.

Ladies and Gents, that’s an underwire shoved up your hoohah that covers only parts of your hoohah. That’s like shoving a pen up your ass and posing for a calendar shoot–these things do not make sense.

I cannot possibly imagine a need or a want for such an item. This could also be because I am not bone thin with a giant rack and an egg-crackin’ ass. Ma’am, your vagina is hanging out.

Whew. Okay, now, I’m a results based person, and before I make a decision on things, I like to have as much information as possible to choose. I look at all sides, and evaluate possibilities. I need to give the c-String (I even hate the name) a fair shot.

My Hypothesis: Buying this bikini is an awful decision.

Let’s first look at the basic facts.
1) I am translucently white.
2) Most people are susceptible to sunburns.
3) It is to be worn to a beach/pool.
4) Beaches have sand. Pools have concrete.
5) Bikinis are designed for sex appeal.
6) This thing looks fucking uncomfortable.
7) Gripping things in your asscheeks is grippingly unsexy. (Unless you’re my phone, which is in to S&M).

Let’s Test our Hypothesis! SCIENCE IS AWESOME.

Test 1: Evaluate Facts 1 & 2.
  

As you can see here, a normal bikini is going to aid a normal person in the toasting process, while the C-String induces large amounts of UV poisoning in your nethers.

Test 2: Evaluate Facts 3 & 4. MOTHERFUCKERS TOOK IT AWAY.
  

Test 3: Evaluate Facts 5, 6, & 7.
  

Conclusion:

Fan of anuses, sunburns, and sunburns on your anus? THE C-STRING IS FOR YOU! Otherwise, stick to your tankini.

Adrian says, “Nice use of multimedia.” Thanks!

UPDATE: MOTHERFUCKER TOOK DOWN MY MATHEMATICAL EQUATION OF SAND AND IT’S RELATION TO YOUR ASSHOLE. You won’t get the best of me.

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