My phone has an autocorrect function that is not that awesome. Smell, small, smile, smooth, smite, smoothie, etc.=S&M

Yeah, that’s right, anything that begins with sm- automatically gets corrected to a fetish in GIANT CAPITAL LETTERS LIKE THESE. 
The best part about it is that my phone is a sneaky bastard, and wouldn’t correct it until I hit send.
“Those tacos really S&M good.”
Sure, what the hell. Bring on the sadist vagina.

“I’m going to S&M King, want anything?”
Fuck yeah I do!

“I want a S&M coke.”
Whoa. I draw the line at coke. Safe, Sane, Consensual.

“Brandon likes S&M”
Funny now that he’s broken up with the girlfriend I sent it to.

“I want a cherry S&M”
Don’t we all?

“S&M favor?”
Sounds like a hell of a favor.
“Get that S&M off your face.”
Or I’ll whip it off. I’ll beat it off. BEAT IT OFF. Heh.

All real-life examples.

Other fun corrections:

  1. Fucking=ducking (making angry texts sound adorable)
  2. Hell=He’ll (making less angry texts sound speech impediment-y)
  3. Hte=warrants no correction to my phone (the)
  4. fucktard=diciest (what the he’ll? “He’s a diciest,” is not impactful, nor grammatically correct.)

Psychological profile as decided by my phone: Adorable Dominatrix with serious head trauma. 

kdawg October 20, 2010 at 12:16 pm

text from my mom, in briefly discussing my paying back student loans: “if a back to school before november 18th dick is hard”…. should have been: if you go back to school before november 18th they can be deferred again”.

Noa Gavin October 24, 2010 at 9:01 pm

That’s a large amount of times your mom has used, “dick is hard,” to have that come up in predictive text. That is also fucking hilarious.

Tina February 1, 2012 at 11:40 pm

I know you posted this a long time ago, and probably don’t read the comments anymore, but I had to tell you my favourite autocorrect. “rhetorical kitchen llamas”, my boyfriend thought i was drunk. Also, im typing this on my phone right now, and it attempted to insert my email password. Not secure phone, not secure at all.

Noa February 2, 2012 at 7:00 pm

My favorite one: “holy shit” translated to “hippo kitty shut.” Also, “sweetheart” translated to “eelworm.”

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