I’ve eaten nothing but sharp cheddar cheese, taco sauce, and tortilla chips for 3-4 days now. I put shredded cheese into a bowl, dump on a shitload of taco sauce, lay on my bed, and shove the masterpiece into my face with chips.
I eat the world’s laziest nachos.
Husband: “Didn’t you eat that for breakfast?”
Me: “What of it?”
Husband: “Wait. You ate that for dinner last night, too.”
Husband: “Give me the taco sauce.”
Me: “Step off.” And then I run my dairy-fied ass up the stairs and out of sight.
I don’t know what the hell is wrong with me. I am a real person with a real job and everything. I’m not a homeless person or 4 years old–I just have no idea what real people eat for food. All I have in my pantry is frosting and pasta hidden behind my altar of toasted corn triangles.
I feel like an asshole at the grocery store when I look at other people’s carts, and they’re all, “FRUITS, VEGETABLES, GRAINS, NUTS, PROTEIN, WATER, ALL NATURAL PRODUCTS AND HAPPINESS.”
My cart is filled with, “SODA, CHIPS, 4 JARS OF TACO SAUCE, 6 BAGS OF SHREDDED CHEESE, AEROSOL CHEMICALS, NECESSITY OF A SOCIAL SERVICES VISIT.”
They judge me, as they stand in line sadly, “Oh, look at that sad, oily, 12 year old buying her shitty food for her shitty sleepover.” Yeah, no, I’m 23 years old and married with nice shit and about as much nutritional value as sugar-coated acid-filled baby tears.