The only reason we tolerate the behavior of children is because they’re children. There’s some kind of evolutionary trigger that says, “Oh, it’s okay if they say something fucking creepy. I can’t give them the side eye or call the cops on them or even talk a lot of shit because they’re children. Isn’t that fucking adorable?”
No. No it’s not. It’s the behavior of a sociopath.
Just to show how fucking weird kids are and how awful they can really be, we have Convos With My Two-Year-Old. Verbatim conversations between a child and an adult, as acted by two grown men.
This Week’s Thursday Throwdown Whooping Cough Is:
Bill G: If Drinking All Day Is Wrong, I Don’t Want To Be Right.
This is how I feel going into some Christmas parties. I assume you feel the same.
Some of you have more fucked-up christmases than I can even dream about.
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I grew up watching It’s A Wonderful Life and Miracle on 34th Street and thinking, “This is what Christmas is. This is how beautiful and special it’s supposed to be.” Christmas was supposed to be all family and love and selflessness and snow and magic and all that bullshit.
Christmas has never, ever been like that. As it does in the rest of our lives, media gives us grander expectation of life than it realistically should. Yet they still keep putting out all these feel-good Christmas movies.
We all know I like to jade people and be jaded myself, so…shall we?
Welcome back, Joke-Off! I have missed you, and I have missed all of your entries’ greatness and hilarity. Let’s jump right back in. Add in yours to the comments below!
Joke-Off: Realistic Christmas Movie Titles
Favorite Comment From The Last Post:
Johi: The community vibrator is disturbing, but the room is lovely!
- I Haven’t Had 12 Dates In 5 Christmases Combined
- Christmas Vacation Means Netflix and Weight Gain
- It’s A Pretty Average Life
- Rudolph The Uninvited “Uncle” We Don’t Claim
- A Charlie Brown Christmas Is Less Adorable When You’re That Poor
- Elf Is Not A Thing We Call Anyone, Sweetheart
- Mother-In-Law On My Street
- The Santa Clause Is The Fine Print In Mall Photos That Makes Them $40
- Jingle All The Way Was Not Supposed To Be A Premonition
- Eleven Christmases On A No Christmas Budget
- I’m A Jew
- A Miracle That My Fucking Pre-Lit Tree Works Again
- The Cat That Climbed The Christmas Tree And Ruined Everything Again See This Is Why I Didn’t Want A Cat
- Bad Santa: Of Course I Fucking Fell Asleep Putting Together Your Bike
- All I Want For Christmas Is A New Dildo
- I’ll Be Home For Christmas I Promise To All 10 Relatives Separately
- The Polar Express Won’t Even Deliver This Shit On Time
- Nightmare Before Christmas Is Less Ironic As An Adult
- Surviving Christmas With Newly Divorced In-laws
- Love, Actually I’m Under So Much Fucking Stress I’d Rather Punch Your Balls Off And Hang Them On The Tree
- The Holiday Office Party That Was Alcohol Free Thanks To Me From Last Year
- Home Alone Sounds Like A Fucking Christmas Miracle
- White Christmas Means LL Bean and Subtle Racism
- A Christmas Story About The Time Grandad Blew The Door Right Off The Oven
- The Bells Of St. Marys Are Ringing Too Fucking Early For My Eggnog Hangover
- Holiday Inn Is Where I’d Rather Be Than Sleeping On Your Futon, Cousin
- Christmas Shoes Is Absolutely An Explanation For Manslaughter, Officer
- Ho Ho Hold The Fuck Up, What Do You Mean You’re Getting Married
- Silent Night, Bloody Night, Goddamn Period Comes At The Least Convenient Times
Conversation between Adrian and myself in Kyoto, while deciding what to do and where to go for the rest of our vacation.
Adrian: “I found this hotel in Nara that’s only $38!”
Noa: “That’s insane. Is it a hovel? A shack? A bench at the bus stop?”
Adrian: “No, it actually looks really nice, see?”
Noa: “Okay, yeah, it’s not full of bears or anything.”
Adrian: “Really? If that’s your understanding of the difference between nice and terrible hotels, we could stay almost anywhere.”
Noa: “I hate you.”
Adrian: “It…wow..this price includes breakfast the next day. It’s a little far from Nara Park, but hey, $38, right?”
Noa: “Okay, works for me. I’m just waiting to figure out what’s wrong with this place.”
Adrian: “Watch it be a love hotel or something insane like that.”
Yeah. How crazy would that be, right?
Great comics take you through a lot of emotions in their sets. There’s a lot to be said of people who can make you laugh non-stop forever for their entire set, but I find that the comics I love the most allow moments to build. They share something with you, something personal. They level with you and pull you into a place of turmoil with them, and then they bring you right back out with a well-placed joke.
One of my favorite shows for this purpose is Mike Birbiglia’s My Girlfriend’s Boyfriend. It’s about love and pain and growing up and being scared of love and relationships and marriage and just how quickly everything can come together and fall apart.
Birbiglia’s a great comic as it is–if you’ve seen Sleepwalk With Me or What I Should Have Said Was Nothing then you know exactly what I’m talking about. He’s never scared to share his own life, never scared to hit a joke.
There’s something that I think is really special about My Girlfriend’s Boyfriend. Something that I think you’re going to love too.
It’s available on pretty much every streaming service you can imagine, and you can’t miss out on this.